You’re A What? Oh, No Wonder…

How many times have you found out someone was a certain astrological sign and gone, “Aha! I should have known.” In today’s oBITCHuary, The Zodiac Excuse, we’ll be roasting the most negative traits of each zodiac sign. 

Astrology is fairly proficient at dealing a reputable hand of personality traits, right down to shared common flaws. Next thing you know, like cosmic Teflon, you’re blaming your astrological sign for your bad behavior.

So here it is…a quick line-up of each zodiac sign’s most negative traits. The worst of the worst. The ways each sign acts like an ass as only they can.

PRE-ROAST DISCLAIMER: I’m an Aquarius, with Leo Rising, and Pisces Moon. And I wasn’t very nice to me either. It’s for laughs. Roll with it.


The Zodiac Excuse | Why Other Signs Want To Kill Me

ARIESPushy, Self-Centered.
Yes, we know you’re aggressive, Aries. We know you like to get your way. Me, Me, Me, Me, Meeeeee… like a opera singer. I know you think it’s all about you, but there are twenty-five other letters in the alphabet. So, don’t be a dick, and if you are, don’t wave it in my face.

TAURUS – Stubborn, Possessive.
You almost just got one because the first one is so fucking true, it’s double-true. Get over all your bullshit Reasons To Stay Right Here, Taurus, and stop being so bull-headed. The rest of us would like to move forward at some point. Like, oh, last week sometime. And stop licking things. It doesn’t make them yours, it just makes them sticky. And germy. COVID much?

GEMINI – Indecisiveness, Dishonesty.
Whatever you decide today will be different tomorrow, sometimes to disastrous consequences. Being friends with you, Gemini, is like jumping out of a plane knowing there’s a good chance your parachute will be a peanut butter sandwich before you hit the ground (and no, that does not make it an In-Flight Meal). You can be as two-faced as your sign, but that’s nothing compared to your ability to lie to yourself and rewrite history in your head. Exhibit A: #45. I rest my case.

CANCER – Moody, Grudge Holding.
Some people have mood swings. Cancer, you have the whole goddamn mood playground. Ups, Downs… Side-to-Sides… Let me off the roundabout of feelings, I’m gonna hurl. Yes, I know you’ll hold it against me forever because I don’t want to play whatever game you had your heart set on. I’m sure I’ll get over it before you will.

LEO – Need for Attention, Can’t Take Criticism.
Anyone who can handle you, Leo, can get a child through their toddler years with flying colors. The language is the same: Yes, dear, I’m watching…Oh, you did so well!…cue mad applause…repeat. But don’t criticize your little lion or they’ll regress, get upset, and either sulk or throw a tantrum.

VIRGO – Overly Critical, Overthinking. 
We know you know the right way to do everything, Virgo. Did you ever see Sleeping With The Enemy? The towels? The cans in the cabinet? Life with a Virgo has a Berlioz soundtrack. I just want to listen to Billie Eilish, please. Oh, and when I said I wanted a ham sandwich, I really meant I wanted a ham sandwich. It wasn’t code for something.

LIBRA – Vanity, Passive-Aggressive.
You’re so vain, and if the song isn’t about you, Libra, you’ll charm your way into rewriting all the lyrics so it is. Backhand compliments are your bread-and-butter, and if that doesn’t get the job done, you’ll introduce your friends Vaguebook and Subtweet. Oh look, you forgot to take the Victims-R-Us tag off your pouty face.

SCORPIO – Intensity, Jealousy.
You’re too much. No, that wasn’t sarcastic. Calm your tits, Scorpio, you are TOO MUCH! Not everything requires a Gomez-and-Morticia tango (though I’d pay to see that a few times). Did you know the song You Don’t Own Me? was written as an instruction manual to Scorpios? Or was that narcissists? Damn it, I knew I missed one for Leo.

SAGITTARIUS – Blunt AF, Wanderlust.
Tact does not come in a box in a count of 100 from Office Depot, but if it did, I would buy you a case. See, there’s honesty, and there’s brutal honesty. And in the wide, wonderful world of honest discourse, you, dear Sag, are fucking Sparta. Oh, and you can’t seem to settle down for shit… wait, where’d you go?

CAPRICORN – Repressed Emotions, Ambitious.
It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, Cappy, and we’re pretty sure you ate the dog because the stroganoff tastes funny and you don’t seem too torn up about poor Fido. Ambition is great, but unless you want to be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve, work a little less, give a little more. A case of the feels won’t kill you.

AQUARIUS – Argumentative, Unpredictable.
Yes, I know you call it “having discussions”, Aquarius. But the reason the entire relationship world flinches at the phrase “We need to talk” is because of you. And then there’s the fact that instead of normal neural pathways, yours look like someone turned a goat loose inside your head and called it good. Just because it’s normal for you doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t occasionally Google ‘home lobotomies’.

PISCES – Too Sensitive, Excuse For Everything.
There is not enough bubble wrap in all the world to protect you. There are not enough 24-hour liquor stores to pickle your pain. We know life sucks, Pisces. We all have lives, each one steeped in perpetual suckitude. God forbid any of it be your fault. No, I’m not saying it’s your fault. What? Geezus fuck, are you crying again?


There you have it. If this is your first time at my blog, please subscribe so you don’t miss any upcoming oBITCHuary posts like these. Please Like the post (if you did) and share on your social media so that others can feel equally called out. It’s only nice to share. 


Melody Wingfield

Author | Voice Artist | Witch Queen - Melody Wingfield is an author of dark fantasy, epic mythology, horror, and erotica. She writes as Hekate, Goddess of Magick on Twitter (@HekateHerself) and The Blood Countess, Elizabeth Bathory on Twitter (@ReginaSanguina). You can follow her on her social media links and subscribe at her website, www.melodywingfield.com.

2 Comments

Vivenya/Vivien | Working on a Christmas Story (@Vivenya2) · December 9, 2020 at 9:22 am

Why do I have the feeling Piseces is hiding behind my zodiac sighn? I really have to look it up. And for my husband. And for my daughter.
I loved this so much. I hope you will never roast me XD I would be crying and laughing at the same time

    Melody Wingfield · December 10, 2020 at 3:26 am

    I would never roast you… though, I am curious about your chart now, too! 😊

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